welcome to the mid-may (almost june) journal!
my last journal (mid may 23)
i'm your host elise, and i'm fresh out of high school. i have yet to officially graduate, but i no longer have to attend class. i am admitted to college, and will be living there come this fall. i wouldn't say i'm especially excited, more accepting of my fate. there's no better option, so you might as well make the best of it. the college i am going to is about an hour away from my house, which is scary to me. but i don't want to live at home for the next four years because if i have to be around my older siblings any longer i'll explode. like you've graduated from college, move out buddy. i'm excited to have a blank slate to decorate though, since my bedroom has been the same since i was born because i hate change. hopefully whoever my roommate is will be accepting of my anime posters, because i will need to have nico yazawa in my sight at all times.
alright, my other topic is last night was prom. it was mid. my dress was quite pretty, i'm satisfied with my look even though i had a huge dysphoria meltdown. it was the makeup, i detest wearing makeup. i had a little bit of silver eyeliner and eyeshadow and mascara, and i'm usually fine with mascara. but other parts were disgusting, like concealer and the like. no goop on my face please. i also just prefer how i look without makeup, even though i haven't tried many looks. it's very dysphoria inducing to wear it, so i only wear mascara on special occassions or for a little pop of fanciness. i did quite like my dress, even though it also made me want to rip my skin off. it was kind of tight, but not the popular mermaid style everybody else was wearing. it was more a rectangle, which was good since i'm built like a rectangle. it was a dark pine green, with, get this, a cape! a lovely sheer cape that draped around the arms like sleeves. it was off the shoulder as well, not straps, but if you tried the cape sleeves could be used although they were very loose. they also just looked better around the shoulders. i had it tailored, and everytime i went to the tailor i wanted to throw up because i hate having to be girly, and i had to wear the most heinous contraption: a strapless bra. but when i asked my mom if i could wear a suit instead, she firmly denied it. i love my mother except when she is transphobic. :heart: my hair was curled, and i wore silver jewelry. but i think i looked really bad in pictures because i don't smile well! my face crinkles up, and i can't do it on command. i much prefer to make silly faces for pictures. i look better with a completely blank resting bitch face, since that's what i look like most of the time. and it didn't help i was so autistic that day that i could not smile properly unless laughing.
but you know what was good about prom? i got to see a friend i haven't seen in four years since she went to a different high school. but she didn't change at all, somehow? she went to the farm school, and all the classes there sounded so cool, but i don't think dog training class would be very helpful for a career in social work. in freshman year, she took chainsaw class. chainsaw class! why did i go to the town's public high school when i could've been with cows and chainsaws?! ugh, everyday i question my career choices since i also adore animals, but i can't stand to see them in pain or die. so i can't really do an animal focused job, but i don't know if i can do a human focused one either! well, we'll find out when we start taking classes. my mom works in animal care, and i think the drain on her is more the work environment than the animals themselves. she comes home with bruises a lot from dogs jumping on her. i tell her i'll beat those dogs up for her, nobody hurts my mom, not even a dog. i also much prefer cats to dogs, and would love to work with exotic animals, but i've heard the zoo field is very hierarchal and cut-throat. oh, also: i got my learners permit recently! i'm still terrified of driving and despise that i have it, but it's a step. i need to get a job next, but it feels bad to be doing these things now when 15 year olds have it done already. sorry for being a pussy i guess? and autistic, but i have to stop blaming everything on it because i don't even have an official diagnosis. but there's not another way to explain my behavior, i'm quite autistic. could an allistic person do THIS? *infodumps for 2 hours straight while rocking back and forth* well i definitely have other autistic traits but i prefer not to share too much of my mental health with you all who are strangers. well i just gave you every detail of what's going on in my life right now so i can't be hypocritical ig.
ok, that's it for today (may 27th, 2023)! hope you have a good day and please listen to my new favorite song,
