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first year of college journal

welcome to the worst year of my life. i genuinely had a terrible time. highlight reel: started my first year of college and my first year living away from home, my grandpa died, got into dc, my mental health declined, had a grippy sock vacation, and my dog died. damn! i won't go into too much detail since thats tmi and i dislike talking about my mental health or being vulnerable in any way but i was genuinely suffering so much. but now its over! yay! still suffering but at least im not at school. but not everything was bad, there were some highlights! i was gonna put the trisha paytas "im free!! worst experience of my fucking life!!" image here but it wont let me copypaste. sigh.

ok so as you may know i'm a social work major at a catholic college. i'm not even catholic whyd i pick this school. but i dont feel like transferring i made a few friends. i joined anime club, and made two other freshman friends. i have affectionately dubbed us the yaoi club. im glad i met my friends but theyre hazbin hotel fans which is. :/. but whatevers im rooming with the one who has the same name as me next year its exciting. whoever our suite mates are are gonna hate us because it will be a strange anime paradise. i wanna make a nico yazawa cardboard cut out. i have a lot of crafts i wanna do this summer. like making a resin keepsake of my dogs fur, sewing a cosplay, learning how to use gouache better, and a whole bunch of other artsy stuff!

september was a tough start, and near the end my grandpa died. he already had alzheimers and was far gone, it was just like waiting for the other shoe to drop. i feel guilty i didnt see him in the summer, but i was scared. whats the point of seeing someone else with my grandfathers face? but apparently when he saw my prom pictures he said i was beautiful even if he didnt recognize me. my mom was just starting to recover from it recently but then my dog died suddenly. but we will get to that later. chronological order, bitch! we ball!

why did i get into dc comics. well i know exactly why. ive always been a bit of a superhero fan, i watched all the marvel disney xd cartoons back in the day, the justice league cartoons, and made my own superhero ocs. my brothers called me squirrel girl as a child to make fun of my thick arm hair, so i latched onto squirrel girl the marvel superhero. i dont like marvel anymore these days, except for casual spiderman enjoyment. itsv and atsv are masterpieces and i love the idea of spiderman. ok so my love of superheroes is established. theres this one strange fandom on tumblr, the dpxdc fandom. its a crossover fandom of danny phantom and dc comics. why the hell does it exist? i dont know. people love to mash superheroes together. well, despite never watching danny phantom and only knowing rudimentary batman knowledge that most people know, i got hooked. it was surprisingly easy to get into, everybody latches onto the same things, ectoplasm equals lazarus pits, ghost king au, danny goes to gotham, etc. i didnt know shit but just went along with it. you could tell me anything and id eblieve it because i didnt know shit. however, i was so intrigued by the dc comics side, the batfamily, that i slipped into an autism fueled fugue state im still yet to get out of. i cant stop thinking about batman. its actually so bad. ive been like this since january. i replaced the miku sticker on my computer with a giant bat logo, and i cannot go a day without telling my parents a tidbit about batman. they hate it and want me to shut up. kinda hurts my feelings, you had an autistic child you signed up for this when giving me my shit genetics. where'd the autism even come from. anyway damian wayne is my son and i will attack anyone who criticizes him. ive read most comics he appears in and have so many opinions about him. talk to me about batman i will not shut up. i also love billy batson, everybodys favoriteboy captain marvel. no not that captain marvel. shazam. the movie. hes supposed to be captain marvel but there was a whole copyright kerfuffle. my fave characters are damian wayne, billy batson, stephanie brown, duke thomas, cassandra cain, etc. i forgot to save this and sat up from being half asleep like FUCK i didnt save. but now i will. and i still havent finished this because i love yapping and can never make anything succinct to save my life.

february was a force. went on a lovely excursion to the grippy sock hotel. i met a lot of nice people there, there was one older lady who reminded me of my aunt and grandma combined so i latched on to her. it was kinda annoying to be checked on every fifteen minutes by the staff, but its not like it was supposed to be a relaxing experience. i was on edge the whole time, since again i wasnt supposed to be relaxed. i spent a lot of time with a surgical brush the occupational therapist gave me in a rocking chair with noise blocking headphones. i have really bad sensory issues, so that made things really hard. i was talking to the psychologist saying something like "im afraid everything is dirty but this is a hospital so its probably cleaned often right?" and then she said something like "oh its probably much less cleaner than you think." WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?! it made me feel so much worse and on edge since i found a blood stain on my bedding that wasnt from me. near the tail end i got a cold and had to be quarantined to my room, and my roommate moved to a different room. she was my age, but i didnt get to talk to her much since she was quiet. i hated being quarantined since i had a simple cold. they let me go early since i couldnt attend any groups, the whole reason i was there. i got to have my phone after that though which was somehow nice. on one of the last few days, my parents visited and i ended up having a meltdown. after they left, a very kind nurse talked with me, and let me vent to her about the difficulties i was having. she agreed that the psychologist shouldnt have said that to me, and she gave me some seroquel to help me sleep better since i was so highstrung. i tried to watch a video essay on under the red hood, but the sedatives were kicking in and i couldnt keep my eyes open and focus. it still took me forever to fall asleep because my body may have been sleepy but not my mind. i was eventually released and went to friendlys immediately after. the nurses were so kind, but not the people who register you in and the doctors. one of the nurses sat with me on the first night, talking to me about the different floors on the hospital and gave me a notebook and pen to use. because im me i just wrote fanfiction in it.

end of 2023 journal!

wow, 2023 is almost over! i don't feel like i've done much but thats probably because i have a poor memory. this year i graduated high school, turned 18, and started college. pretty important milestones when you think about it! i'll try to give a review for each month, but i honestly don't remember much! i don't remember yesterday let alone january! i'll be relying on my camera roll to help me!

january was nice, i think? i started reading the holy grail of eris and insomniacs after school and did a lot in drawing class. i have a nice picture of my hand covered in blue pastel because i was blending with my fingers on a gigantic piece. i also did a nice still life with my nico yazawa nendroid but looking back i could've done better. aw man, the fireworks have already started outside. too early, i'm writing this at 7pm! i was also really into alien stage in january, and still am! alien stage makes me so happy, another mv recently came out and i have SO MANY theories! i read a lot of manga in january, filmed my othello project where i performed an iago soliloquoy, and designed my two most important ocs, melissa and maddie. they were the ocs of the year, i did a lot for their story this year! i think i also finished my mock trial career in january, we didn't win anything but i had so much fun! i also started reading debut or die, which is an amazing series that makes me happy everyday! agh my hands are cramping from typing and its only january!

february was also a good month, i continued reading debut or die, and did more work in art class. i made a really nice self portrait, i love self portraits! i took a lot of pet photos, and found kim jiwoong, probably the hottest man alive. i'm a lesbian but i'd marry him. i made a madagascar puppet show for environment class, and tried my best mort voice. i watched a lot of vtubers as per usual, and my enna fanart got featured in her birthday concert! i love enna alouette! she's my forever oshi!i also went prom dress shopping this month but don't think i bought anything the first go around.i started time looper tourney, a tumblr poll tournmanent for time looping characters, but quickly gave up since it was too much work and i wasn't interested in all of the characters. the tbhk aquarium arc destroyed me, and i did a lot of brainstorming and work on this website!

march was nice. in the beginning i went to a nearby city with my friends to go to the mall and dinner. my goodness did i take a lot of pet pictures! i finally got my prom dress, which was a lovely green. i took an unwieldy amount of screenshots of another fantasy romance, and got to use a saw in art class. i also burned myself on an iron during that same project. i was trying to see if the iron i had just used was hot, so to check i touched it. how did i think that was a good idea. i read supervillain which emotionally destroyed me, won the mock trial coachs award, and had a total meltdown over preserving my llsif account. sif2 gloab server when?! i need my devil nico to be tangible again! i read the all of us villains series which was fantastic, and read lots of webnovels in general. good month methinks, i don't remember my mental state at all, lol.

april was a month. i played and enjoyed the bandori april fools yuri dating sim, it was really funny. i find it funny that you can die from eating too much ramen in tomoes route. i never played yukinas and chu2s route so hopefully they bring it back this april. my tumblr april fools joke was pretending to be clopeh sekka from trash of the counts family, since my url was clopeh at the time. i went to an anime convention which was so delightful! i bought shy volume 2, a shirt that says peepeepoopoo on it, three pairs of cute earrings, and an enna fan. its heart shaped and has her flipping the viewer off but its still one of my prized possessions. so sad i left it at school!also during may there were baby birds growing up on the leftover wreath on my front door, i drew an orv themed mandala for art class, started playing arknights, started reading handjumper (best webtoon ever omg), played a lot of monster prom and monster camp, read frankenstein, wore some cute outfits, and once again read too much manga.

may was the month i graduated high school! yay! i did a school project on frankenstein (banger book), tried to read carmilla since i was on a victorian literature kick, bought g3 draculaura shes soo cute, alien stage struck again, did a project on lemurs again, wrote my creative writing class final, had three of my pieces exhibited in the school art show, appreciated the lily of the valleys growing in my yard, got my learners permit which has definitely expired by now, went to prom and played bandori at it, and got completely obsessed with the song memento mori by kaya. i received the letter i wrote to myself in eighth grade which made me sad, i was doubting if i'd still be alive! i don't like to talk about my mental health, but its truly a miracle i made it through this year since i've been sewer sidal for saur many years. agh the letter i wrote to myself is so cringe its very 2019. "im still a fricking kinnie, so oof" yknow what elise maybe you shouldve kysed. just kidding. i got my yearbook, and my quote was "ultimately, every human being is their own writer." which han sooyound said in orv. oh my goodness im getting tired, and im not even halfway through the year! ugh, taking a break for now. who knows if i'll continue this properly! i think i had an okay year despite all the horrors!

end of semester journal

good evening i am writing this at midnight. there are *checks watch* 5 days until i get to go back home. it feels like less strangely since i have a lot to do in those days. we'll get to the future later, lets focus on the past and present. it snowed today! probably the first snow. feels weird to say its the first since the first snow is on halloween some years. i went to the dining hall at 8 and it was snowing delightfully. probably didnt reach an inch at all but it was still cool. im about an hour north from my already northeastern home so its just a tad colder up here. happy sludge and mud season to all my fellow new englanders. its been really cold but apparently my grandma is gonna give me some coats for christmas which is good. im very excited for christmas, im asking for a binder and practically the entire hot topic sanrio section. me and my mom have been obsessed with hello kitty island adventure. my favorites are the littletwinstars! ive been thinking about doing something with them on the site but i get scared when my pages are too feminine. not sure how when my entire personality is cutesy and i dress like a kindergartener.

anyway in good news i got a possible job offer today! well, more like a recommendation. it was the last first year experience class and the professor and the mentor asked me and another guy to possibly be fye mentors next year! kinda like a teaching position without actually teaching, like an assistant teacher type thing. its a paid position and sounds super cool! im not sure why i was picked when the guy who was also picked seems much cooler than me, but whatevs a wins a win. i think it would be really fun! my fye class was the neurodivergent kid cohort so itd be cool to teach more kids like me. i think i was chosen bc im really peppy? like even when its 9am i show up ready to go. i hope they email me soon because it sounds really cool. ive been doing absolute dogshit mentally lately so my effort being recognized is really appreciated. like woah im not a loser? omg i havent listened to the spongebob musical in so long! it reminds me of one time me and my bestie were in my other besties car forcing him to listen to squidwards song while he drove us to seniors day and starbucks. a classic. im gonna put it on instead of my bedtime asmr. btw the best asmrtists are sakura asmr and asmr cham. but thats just bc i like hairbrushing and inaudible whispering lol. damn i have a headache and writing this at midnight is not helping...

now time for the past, reflecting on my semester. ive honestly gotten good grades and have been doing most of my work except for my spanish bookwork which i basically never did. biology was a struggle but everybody else in the class was struggling too. got my final for that on monday i dont feel prepared but ive gone into every test unprepared and look at me now, passing while others arent! my philosphy class was surprisingly enjoyable, the professors great and im gonna miss him. i'll need to see if he teaches any other classes. im thinking about changing my major to social justice instead of social work because im a little pathetic baby. but one my moms cousins is a social worker so ill talk to her at our christmas party. im really trying to be more social and open but its really hard. its a reflex to shut myself away from people to protect myself from being uncomfortable but i know i have to get over it. i want romance and you cant get that if you dont talk to anybody. ive made friends at college though! the anime club has two other freshman in it, we have basically formed our own sect, the yaoi club. we all like bl and its rlly funny. i went ice skating with them i was no fun at all since i cant skate for shit. i went roller skating in the same week, did even worse because i fell. on the ice i clung to the wall but there was nothing to hold while roller skating. i was holding my friends hands while falling so i nearly dislocated their shoulders bc i held on so hard. friend complained that i clenched her hand when skating and yeah i do skatings scary! has me trembling like a newborn deer. im glad ive made friends, all thanks to clubs! one new friend also likes alien stage so we had a sing along at art club which no one else enjoyed. black sorrow was my top 6 song.

spotify wrapped interludetop artists: 1. pierce the veil. 2. haru nemuri. 3. necronomidol. 4. kaya (bc of my top song) 5. band-maid.

top songs: 1. memento mori by kaya (376 times). my fave song ever i dont know any of his other songs 2. damaged lady by kara. 3. disasterology by pierce the veil. 4. she sings in the morning by pierce the veil. 5. miniskirt by aoa. i listened to spotify for 66k minutes in total, 46 days straight.

ok maybe you didnt care about that. time for enstars interlude. i am what those kids call a "kinnie" and i am unfortunately tsukasa suou in the flesh. so, i had to maintain the honor of knights and get the five star of myself in the recent tour event. sorry kohakun im more important. kasas just like me i threw rocks at people as a child but i didnt eat bugs. bro analyzed the taste of ants. its hard to talk about him in third person i need to consciously do it. its funny how im tsukasa when idgaf abt knights sometimes i am all about ryuseitai. my character ranking is midori shinobu ibara tsukasa arashi. self absorbed to put myself on the list but i am also simply a creature. hate how people day tour events are free five stars no that shits hard! or i just dont have good teams. i know i dont im working on it. with the addition of kasa my blue team will be stacked asf. i love enstars whenever i think about it i get an autism speed boost. like i dont know how to describe it its like i got the star thing in mario kart and i can go faster. embarrassed myself by having us watch the dub in anime club they switched it to jojo right after i left. fuck jojo!!! i was not prepared for the amount of animal cruelty and general dio shittery. god he sucks. but at least i dont have to watch it anymore well unless they force me to again. sometimes anime club selections are good sometimes not. i watched two episodes of naruto and can now ship sasunaru in peace. those bitches gay good for them? i know more about naruto than id like. when i made my statuscafe update earlier i used then instead of than and the second i posted it i wanted to stab myself. weh.

now for future, lets make this quick since its 1am now. howd it take me an hour to write this. well my attention has been divided but u get it. my longest journal so far godspeed if u read this at all. i need to finish a four page paper by monday, and a six page paper by next friday. on friday is the choir christmas party which i desperately do not want to go to its like six hours long. then on saturday i have the choir concert which is more tolerable but i dont like standing for long periods of time it hurts really really bad. but i cant not do that i have nothing to support myself i just have to try to stay upright. but its only four songs i can do it. maybe ill make my friend bring his 3ds so i can play pokemon or whatever. maybe he has a switch thats even better. i need to leech off someone to play splatoon again. oh my god im sleepy. its thursday and i havent even started the paper due on monday btw. whatever. ow fuck headache ow ow ow ow. bye bye i cant hear out of my right ear again thats balls for singing

august/september journal

near-end of august journal!

hello and welcome to the august journal entry. i'm too lazy to get another pixel so just live with these flowers for now, kay?
long time no site update! sorry about that, i've recently become a college student! YUCK! i'm writing this from the floor of my dorm room. i moved in two days ago, and todays the day when everybody else moves in so i'll meet my roommate today. she seems nice, fingers crossed she truly is. on the first night i was here, i was absolutely upset and wanted to go home, and i still am pretty homesick but im seeing my parents today which is good. i'm a total momma's boy tbh.

yesterday and the day before i was doing orientation stuff, but i was in a smaller group for it to be less stressful. it helped me get a grasp of the campus, i can get from my room to the dining hall without getting lost. i had waffles for breakfast and am leaving my banana for a snack later. i'm excited for class to start, but i'm worried about being late or getting lost. as i've told you earlier probably, i'm a social work major. oh god i just realized i'm going to have to introduce myself in large groups with they/them pronouns. i did it yesterday in front of like ten people which was still nervewracking as hell, but nobody cared. i was the only one with different pronouns... i might have them she/her me because im shyyyyy. i just moved to under my dorm bed, it's pretty nice under there. the linoleum floor is cold but soothing. i have my computer on a bin and this is better for my back than looking down at my computer on the floor. i miss my pets... i miss my piggies and my doggie and my kitty... they are all alive and well i'm just stuck in the new circle of hell they opened up. ugh, there's a bunch of people screaming outside, they have to scream every time a car goes by to cheer on the new students. let's all explode?

okay, back to things i actually care about. i managed to get ring x bell midori!! i only got one copy because im a pussy but it makes me very happy! he is my little baby silly guy. ok i'll come back to this later i just need to go to the bathroom. spin midori around in your mind while im gone okay?

remember this? um its now the end of september and i dont feel like writing a whole nother blog, i hate putting the images bc they confuse me. i am a full fledged college student, the roommate i was talking about earlier moved out and i now have a new one, shes cool i guess. my weeks been pretty tough, my grandfather recently passed and i am terrible at unpacking grief. i still have not gotten over and accepted my great uncle dying a whole year ago. my grandfather had alzheimers so the grief period was extended. he died a long time ago, in theory. but enough debbie downing. i have joined clubs. i have joined the anime club, art club, choir club, and the gsa. clubs are cool. academics are the worst part i am currently procrastinating doing my spanish bookwork. sorry for neglecting my websiteeeeee i have barely used my computer at all ive been using the school ipad for work. ok now its time to do what i opened up my computer for in the first place, its still not school work. ok love you byeee

mid july journal

welcome to the mid-july blog!

as you may know by my profile post, i went on a trip last week. (ALSO I TURN 18 IN A WEEK-ISH. i forgot to mention that somewhere) it was very hard to be a week away from my home, but i do this every year. do i enjoy it? no, not really. it's nice to see the family i only see once a year but i hate leaving home. i had to be without my computer for a week! disgusting. i'll recount some of the details but i don't think anybody actually reads these. i could leave my social security number and address here and nobody would notice. its 704- just kidding. tehepero!

i went to the beach where family lives. i took a plane to get there, i slept on the flight, and in the car on the way to my grandmas house. i continued to sleep at her house. her dog is an evil crusty white dog who i dont like very much, but hes cute and ten pounds i cant be mean. his bark is higher pitched than is safe for human ears. during my vacation, the midori event happened, and i was severely hyperfixating on enstars. i still am. im sad i couldnt get the midori card because i had to socialize... he is my second fave character of all time i love that freak!!! i screenshotted every event story, like one image per dialogue, and put them all into google translate. this gave me a very shitty rough translation of what was going on, the autism does things to you. also during the vacation i received enlightenment into the fact that midoshinoteto is the true ship. not just midoshino, they need tetora because they are all the most mentally ill fucks on earth. just when you think tetora is close to being normal, you read supervillain and realize theres something deeply wrong with him. every member of ryuseitai has something wrong with them in unique ways. oh, i'm getting derailed from my trip details. the autism won today.

anywaysies, i went to the beach after staying at grandmas house for a bit. slept in the car on the way there too. we stayed in the house next door to the ones my extended family owns. it was very nice seeing my cousins after a long while. on the first day i got there i didnt go swimming and just stared into the ocean for an hour thinking about enstars. puka puka... kanata was on my mind all week, all of ryuseitai was because i was on the gamer grind. i got the cute little in-game plushes of the characters that made me happy. i decorated my office too since i redownloaded jpstars just for the midori event. gamer grind! i have a fairly good jp account and can get s+ scores on most songs. i have 32 5 stars and have been playing since launch and am rank 28 which isnt good enough. omg just opened up the app tomoyas calling me. something about nazuna. thats cool dude. on engstars im kinda shit, been playing since launch but still a junior at rank 17. but thats because i barely play unless i find motivation. i skipped the fucking sanrio collab, and ill regret that till i die. i like to think im good at enstars too, like i cant do level 30s but i can play 29s. the genesis is my friend. im listening to nekketsu ryuseitai rn its such a good song. midoris vocals ueueue shinjiteeee. im not very good at that beatmap but i have the kanata fs2 spp. i love playing enstars i have so much fun. my jp acc is a little stacked. my main team is blue rn since that just happens to be all my strong cards. i have fs2 kanata who is the strong leader, dollhouse midori who i usually put in spp bc hes cute, fs1 shinobu, fs1 arashi, and some izumi card. ELISE STOP TALKING ABOUT ENSTARS WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR VACATION?! *clears throat* i went swimming in the ocean a bunch, i puka puk- *warning gunshot above my head* eep! im pretty sure i got saltwater in my lungs because my brother kept trying to drown me. but its ok i tried to drown him too. i cant quite swim, i can only float and if i try to swim its a really slow doggy paddle that cant go against the flow of the tide. i need to have my feet touching the bottom or ill drown. wearing bathingsuits was tough, but once i was in the water i forgot about it. i wore a shirt with a cat holding a bloody knife saying what? threateningly on it the first day over a rlly cute swimsuit (it was light blue and patterned with white, think fine china bikini) and it did wonders for my dysphoria by being threatening but wearing a wet cold t shirt feels terrible. its so heavy! but i just couldnt show any hint of boobage because if i did id have to start killing people. the other bathing suits i wore were more tankini and boyshorts which was much more comfortable. i love the blue bikini, i think i look great in it, but i cannot have other people seeing me in it. i posted it on my close friends instagram story my friend said her jaw dropped ^_^ i love my friends! if i dont see them tomorrow, i am seeing them later this week. plans for this week: maybe going out tomorrow to the town fair, the city with friends on another day, and then another friends grad party at a roller rink. excited to bust my ass! i wanna bring my dog to the town fair but my parents said no because its too much responsibility for just me. i kinda agree, im not the best at controlling my dog, and im not strong enough to carry her around if she gets tired. maybe my mom can go, bring the dog, and ill just borrow her. i dont know if i even wanna go, because last year was tough on the sensory aspect. they were grilling something in the middle of the street, and there was very loud live music. i usually like live music, but one sensory overload at a time please. understanding my limits has become so much easier since i started applying the mob psycho 100 meltdown scale to myself. it does wonders to communicate how you feel, and it helps put your feelings into perspective. i had to use that scale a lot this week since everybody in my family enjoys my discomfort, and dont listen to me at all when i say i cant stand it. bro do you want me to die, because thats what im getting from how youre prioritizing a fucking drink over me. unrelated but during the vacation i stayed up all night and was awake for 24+ hours, but then feel asleep for 20 hours at 7pm on the couch. my brother led me downstairs to a bed but i dont remember that. the plane home was delayed 6 hours and i slept in the airport. but on the plane home at 11pm i didnt sleep i just watched legally blonde with no sound. i know that movie like the back of my hand i could hear the dialogue in my head anyway. i also fastforwarded thru parts i didnt like which cut the movie down by like 15 mins. the people in front of me were also watching legally blonde but i won! i got a good grade in movie watching which is normal to want and possible to achieve! i also brought my taichi nanao nui and my nico yazawa neso keychain. they didnt see the beach since they could get taken away by a seagull or soemthing (have you seen that tweet its the funniest thing) but they enjoyed the plane ride.

ok thats all i have to say. i will get ringxbell midori i swear. i need to avenge myself, and i have a good blue engstars team anyway. goodbye love you if you read this you are a real eliser. a true vassal.

mid may-june blog

welcome to the mid-may (almost june) journal!

i'm your host elise, and i'm fresh out of high school. i have yet to officially graduate, but i no longer have to attend class. i am admitted to college, and will be living there come this fall. i wouldn't say i'm especially excited, more accepting of my fate. there's no better option, so you might as well make the best of it. the college i am going to is about an hour away from my house, which is scary to me. but i don't want to live at home for the next four years because if i have to be around my older siblings any longer i'll explode. like you've graduated from college, move out buddy. i'm excited to have a blank slate to decorate though, since my bedroom has been the same since i was born because i hate change. hopefully whoever my roommate is will be accepting of my anime posters, because i will need to have nico yazawa in my sight at all times.

alright, my other topic is last night was prom. it was mid. my dress was quite pretty, i'm satisfied with my look even though i had a huge dysphoria meltdown. it was the makeup, i detest wearing makeup. i had a little bit of silver eyeliner and eyeshadow and mascara, and i'm usually fine with mascara. but other parts were disgusting, like concealer and the like. no goop on my face please. i also just prefer how i look without makeup, even though i haven't tried many looks. it's very dysphoria inducing to wear it, so i only wear mascara on special occassions or for a little pop of fanciness. i did quite like my dress, even though it also made me want to rip my skin off. it was kind of tight, but not the popular mermaid style everybody else was wearing. it was more a rectangle, which was good since i'm built like a rectangle. it was a dark pine green, with, get this, a cape! a lovely sheer cape that draped around the arms like sleeves. it was off the shoulder as well, not straps, but if you tried the cape sleeves could be used although they were very loose. they also just looked better around the shoulders. i had it tailored, and everytime i went to the tailor i wanted to throw up because i hate having to be girly, and i had to wear the most heinous contraption: a strapless bra. but when i asked my mom if i could wear a suit instead, she firmly denied it. i love my mother except when she is transphobic. :heart: my hair was curled, and i wore silver jewelry. but i think i looked really bad in pictures because i don't smile well! my face crinkles up, and i can't do it on command. i much prefer to make silly faces for pictures. i look better with a completely blank resting bitch face, since that's what i look like most of the time. and it didn't help i was so autistic that day that i could not smile properly unless laughing.

but you know what was good about prom? i got to see a friend i haven't seen in four years since she went to a different high school. but she didn't change at all, somehow? she went to the farm school, and all the classes there sounded so cool, but i don't think dog training class would be very helpful for a career in social work. in freshman year, she took chainsaw class. chainsaw class! why did i go to the town's public high school when i could've been with cows and chainsaws?! ugh, everyday i question my career choices since i also adore animals, but i can't stand to see them in pain or die. so i can't really do an animal focused job, but i don't know if i can do a human focused one either! well, we'll find out when we start taking classes. my mom works in animal care, and i think the drain on her is more the work environment than the animals themselves. she comes home with bruises a lot from dogs jumping on her. i tell her i'll beat those dogs up for her, nobody hurts my mom, not even a dog. i also much prefer cats to dogs, and would love to work with exotic animals, but i've heard the zoo field is very hierarchal and cut-throat. oh, also: i got my learners permit recently! i'm still terrified of driving and despise that i have it, but it's a step. i need to get a job next, but it feels bad to be doing these things now when 15 year olds have it done already. sorry for being a pussy i guess? and autistic, but i have to stop blaming everything on it because i don't even have an official diagnosis. but there's not another way to explain my behavior, i'm quite autistic. could an allistic person do THIS? *infodumps for 2 hours straight while rocking back and forth* well i definitely have other autistic traits but i prefer not to share too much of my mental health with you all who are strangers. well i just gave you every detail of what's going on in my life right now so i can't be hypocritical ig.

ok, that's it for today (may 27th, 2023)! hope you have a good day and please listen to my new favorite song,

mid april blog

mid april blog entry

dear followers,
welcome to my first journal entry! i have a few things to talk about, but i figured id introduce myself first! my name is elise, and i'm not actually a princess, i just like to pretend. i'm actually a high schooler who is a little too silly. which brings us to out first topic:


yeah, not exciting for anyone typically. except for me lately! its always been really nervewracking to think about, but i went to an admitted students day at my first choice school yesterday and it made me feel good! confident even! of course i had trouble socializing with other prospective students, but all the facilities made me feel welcome. i can't be very specific because i don't want nosy nosers figuring out where i live, but all the buildings were great, there was so much food, everything felt welcoming. i'm going to go there for social work, and i think i want to concentrate in helping autistic teens and their families. i'm still not sure how social work fits into that but i will find a way! i like the idea of helping people mentally but i do not want to be psychologist or therapist i could not do that. social work might be even harder, but i'll figure that out when i get there. there's a lot i could do with my future degree. oh, i'm weirdly excited for college! but mostly the little things, like studying in random spots, and decorating my dorm room. my biggest worry is being independent enough to be by myself, but there's not really a way to know before i start. the college has an accessibility program which i'm excited to do, as usual my 'tism causes issues. i'm excited to learn more about that, and it feels nice to have my parents finally validate me having autism. my mom used to deny it, but that's because she had experience with kids with much higher support needs. she didn't get to see other sides of the spectrum, so i'm glad my parents are finally coming around. doesn't mean my sibling are though. they tease me about being autistic (read: stupid) and i say yeah i am. your point?

our next topic is this website! you may have noticed update being slower. that is because i got bored of coding sadly. it was a hyperfix, and now i don't know what my hyperfix is. i still like coding, i'm just frustrated with my own lack of creativity and skills. i can only make boxes! and that's fine, but it gets boring after a while. i need to look at every single website on here for inspo, i'm also lacking color schemes. i'm artist who doesn't understand colors. i also want to make my site more accessible, but idk how to do that too much. i make it visible at the very least, fuck webmasters with eyestrain rainbow flashing gifs go to hell for real. but i am still checking up on you all and making pages, just at a much slower pace because i have also ran out of ideas for pages! ruh roh! i am just remaking pages bc they cld look better. i made a third home page and a second about. i'm very happy with the second about, the home page not so much. it was very difficult to code, and the color scheme could be better. but the about page is immaculate. sure the placing could be better but i love the color scheme. i shld just make every page on my site a3 themed. oogh thats a big special interest, if there are any a3 fans out there pls talk to me about it ive been obsessed with it for two years. thank you quarantine and tumblr mutuals for making me dl it, the rest was history. YEAH IT WAS BC THE APP WENT DOWN WAAA

ok next topic i had an idea. i love mobage. if you havent noticed i am a big idol game fan. a3, bandori, love live, enstars. all games i have played. yeah i played project sekai for a bit but i mostly wanted to take wxs and run away. i have liked love live and bandori for like 5-6 years. i am patiently waiting for llsif2 on global. i was like rank 104 or smth on sif. in bandori i am rank 144 and a self described beast at it. (yeah i can only play up to lvl 26 or i get scared what about it) i am the biggest kaoru fan btw she was a bit of a gay awakening. i have 36 four stars which isnt enough. literally only 6 of them are powerful type powerful type hates me. i have ranked in a few events for top 5000, mostly hhw ones bc i love hhw. smile police top 5000, hhw xmas 10000 (dont even remember doing this), smile connection top 10000 (dont remember this either), shining espoit top 10000 (shouldve gone for 5000 i was lazy) and hhw halloween lets screeeam top 5000. i have also spent too much money on that game which i am not disclosing bc i dont know... i like having pngs. kaoru wont come hom unless i buy her she has expensive tastes. but i havent spent any money on enstars yayyy. i havent touched my jp acc in months but i was pretty good. my en acc sucks mad poopy. ok thats enough typing my hands are getting tired bye bye!!!

my next journal! go read it!